There is a common misconception that men are exempt from the burdening stereotypes and societal pressures and that women are the only victims of this. Our society has accepted hyper masculine stereotypes where men are valued by physical strength, dominance, economic success and the look that further supports this image. While girls are harmed by the unrealistic cultural demands to be pretty and submissive, boys are also being harmed by the expectations to be tough and live up to a role of manhood our society has adopted. Throughout history and to this day many men have been judged ‘too sensitive’, ‘too queer’ or ‘too intelligent’ to suit this traditional masculine ideal. This skewed view on masculinity leaves men in isolation, pushing them into depression and causes them to dominate the suicide statistics.
While women are becoming increasingly self conscious about their appearance, men are increasingly concerned with their pride and status. Being judged as too weak or ‘loosing face’ is an insecurity that is silently eating away at our boys and men. In his book, Perceiving Violence, James Gilligan, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School found that men acted out violently when their pride was threatened. Violence is often evoked by feelings of shame and humiliation.
Generally speaking, women feel as if they are not beautiful enough in the eyes of society while men believe they are not strong enough in the eyes of society. Evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and and Martin Daly write that anthropologically women have always been more concerned with physical attractiveness than men as it was paramount in attracting a partner to secure a family and provide resources and protection for their survival. Men have always had the desire to maintain a high status as their success in sexual competition depended on it. The stronger they appeared the more desirable they were. However, as gender roles are modernising and the expectations for partners are changing, our instincts are finding it hard to fit into out more modernised world. We are placing undue value on beauty for women and strength and dominance in men. Both genders are trapped in chains of gender expectations. Movies, video games and other media like music videos and advertisements are defining masculinity as dominating, confident and strong. Action movie stars use their strength to save the day whilst winning the sexy female side character in the process. We are subtly being fed the image of the ideal man and the kind of man that sexy young women desire. Not only is this hurting girls, who are fed ideas that it is the mans role to be confident and their role to be pretty, but also hurting males who strive to uphold this macho-masculine reputation.
Additionally, men are not only insecure about their status and pride and women are not the only victimised by beauty ideals and standards. Men, too, are being repressed and objectified. Perfectly sculpted male models oozing confidence display themselves proudly alongside the female models. Within the last decade the sale of male beauty products has risen by thirty percent. A quarter of the anorexia and bulimia sufferers are male. A new study has found that men are more subconscious about their bodies while women are more self conscious about their face. The importance of physical strength in manhood has resulted in the obsession over the muscly body. Lets not forget that true strength is not defined by muscle mass.
This hyper masculinity ideal is causing men to internalise anxiety. For men under 35, suicide is the leading cause of death. Men are too often told that they are not respected for their sensitivity and not accepted for their vulnerability. This is even more common in more misogynist societies, since sensitivity is seen as a female quality, which tend to have a stigma in sexist mindsets. These values often come from father figures, popular culture, sports and the school environment. The CDC found that overall men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women. Women are more likely to develop depression than men. However, the chief difference is that women are much more likely to seek help. A survey conducted by CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) found that 69% of men prefer to deal with problems alone and 56% didn’t want to burden others with their problems. Men are more likely to ‘self medicate’ with drugs or alcohol and are twice as likely to develop alcoholism than women. It is seen as weak for men to need help. They are encouraged to deal with issues “like a man”. As Laurie Penny, a writer researching mental health issues, said that “asking for help is seen as an affront to masculinity”. Beginning at school, boys take an aggressive and reactive approach to quarrels and problems in order to protect their image and pride, but it is not protecting their inner emotional psychological state. Being in need of help can be judged as not a strong masculine quality. As a grave result, men are more likely to internalise anxiety and sadness and externalise anger and aggression. Instead of men filling the mental health clinics they fill prisons, criminal courts and rehab centres. Are we surprised with the violent world we live in if this is the masculine image boys feel they must somehow live up to whilst shaming them for expressing vulnerability and need for emotional support? The Centre of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found that homicide rates for males is three to four times higher than in women. 93% of prison in mates are male while only 7% are female. Instead of teaching boys not to rape, girls are taught to not get themselves raped. Men are pushed further into helpless desolation and then punished for acting out violently. Violence in societies is a call for help from the persecutors.
Boys and girls are socialised differently from birth. Studies show that boys who display anger in response to stress or frustration are more likely to be indulged to rewarded by parents than girls who display that behaviour. The reverse is true for girls who display sadness or anxiety. This establishes life long patterns. School is a breeding ground for anxiety and depression for everyone in their own way. School for girls can be brutal. They suffer constant gossiping, bitchiness and backstabbing. They feel constantly scrutinised by each other and compared to each other by the other boys at the time of feeling most awkward. However, similarly to mental illness, girls are more likely to share problems with friends and family. Talking as a way of emotional support releases seratonin in the brain of women and is a deeply engrained survival instinct. Boys are left suffering in silence. Boys are more likely to put on a strong face when they face bullying or are facing issues. They will brush it off, laugh about it, and push it down uncomfortably inside. They are much less likely to confine in someone at the risk of being ridiculed. They may even feel the need to lash out violently to deal with their problems ‘like a man’ after being told to ‘grow some balls’. God forbid if they cry.
We are seeing more women in typically male dominated fields. However, the reduction of the constraints of typical gender roles is extremely one sided. Males are not as welcomed in the same way into the typically feminine positions like nursing or pre-school teaching for example. Women approach the typically masculine roles with a sense of pride, yet men are still ridiculed for stepping (or quite literally dancing) out of their stereotype. It is sexist that women are valued for their ‘masculine’ qualities but men are not nearly as valued for their ‘feminine’ qualities. It is so wonderful that the young girl on the boy dominated softball them is celebrated for being so strong. Yet our boys are questioned, even bullied, hardly ever celebrated, for pursuing ballet or beauty, for example, among also the less ‘hyper feminine’ activities. Sometimes just not taking part in sport is enough. Why don’t we just let our children be children; and our people be people. We cannot simply be organised into two neat blue and pink gender boxes. Gender identity is more complex than that. Characteristics, qualities and interests transcends gender identity as they define you as a person. If men were valued for their ‘feminine' qualities, behaviours interests and career choices perhaps men would feel that their vulnerability and sensitivity be not only accepted by society to prevent the internalising of their anxieties and problems. Isn’t this something that the when all could appreciate in a world that is craving more humanity and less violence.
Both men and women are becoming depressed having to fit into roles that no longer work for us. On a whole, women are no longer happy housewives. The gender revolution has actually been extremely lopsided. We have made great strides forward in changing how we view ‘traditional’ femininity and creating a new narrative of what being a women today means that is being accepted by society. This is fantastic! However, our ideas on masculinity seem to have stagnated. Gender equality is for men too. ‘Traditional’ masculinity has failed to evolve with our times at the expense of the well being of men. Just as it is sexist to assume that the purpose of women is to be pretty home carers, it is also sexist to assume that the purpose of men is to be strong and successful breadwinners. Masculinity is often based on professional achievement. Often men are defined by what they do, and not necessarily who they are. They will brag about how many hours they work, how much they earn. The ‘empty nest syndrome’ is often associated with housewives who invest all their lives into their home and kids who then suffer a sense of loneliness and meaninglessness when they move onwards. Women, with very strong maternal instincts, will always miss their kids, but that sense of meaninglessness is less common today as women gain an identity outside of their home. Men are increasingly being effected by this syndrome today but their identity is work related. It is a common that men give everything for their work; time, effort and health; perhaps at the expense of investing time and care into personal and family life, friends and interests outside their work. Work friends become friends and work related golf becomes their recreational time. When men later retire, or asked to leave due to age, are left remarkably empty within themselves without having work to justify their self worth. Remarkably, the Centre of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found that men aged between 75 - 84 are seven times more likely to commit suicide than women of the same age and eighteen times more likely to commit suicide if aged 85 or over. Are men giving so much to their work because of the value we place on status, success and strength? Who is paying the price for this? It is not only the men. Their families can feel neglected as well.
The importance of fatherhood is becoming more and more evident. Fathers have great influence in showing sons what positive masculine traits are, how to relate to the opposite sex in a healthy way and provide them with unconditional love regardless of their degree of ‘masculinity’. Divorce or single parenting is by no means a set back for fathers or father figures to display healthy masculine traits to their kids. Sociologist David Popenoe, in his book, Life Without Fathers, writes that 72% of America’s juvenile murderers, 70% of long term prison inmates and 60% of rapists were abandoned by their fathers. The behaviour of fathers determine the quality of the future partner their daughters look for and how their sons will treat their future partners. If males are not valued as parental nurturers their sons have to pay a great price. The hyper-masculine narrative is likely to continue in a vicious cycle from generation to generation if dads do not chose to change the narrative themselves. How are they expected to do that if their sensitivity is not valued.
Furthermore, the growing assertiveness of women that has come about in the last few years is sometimes intimidating for men who feel as if they are have to be more assertive than women. It can hurt the male ego and leave men feeling not good enough and in competition with women along with the other men. Europe we are seeing girls outperform boys from primary school to high school. 20% more women graduated university than men. Between 1991 to 1995 twice as many men lost their jobs than women. Since women are gaining their independence and proving themselves capable in performing the tasks once exclusively allocated to males, there is a risk that the self-worth of men be challenged. Men are living in a conflict between having to live up to a strong and assertive gender role, at the same time as men are less and less needed as providers for women who are more comfortable being self standing. Even with recent IVF developments men aren’t even technically needed for procreation. In relation to women that leaves men to be their partner and not their provider. This means men are not only valued for their ability to be a successful breadwinner, but how they are as an emotional partner. Men are living in a conflict between having to suppress emotion and toughen up whilst women criticise them for not being in touch with their emotions. We must value men for who they are, what kind of person they are and how they use their masculinity in a positive way and not only what they do. Both the traditional roles for men and women are in need of an update and it is important that it happens simultaneously and one cannot change without the other. Neither men nor women will benefit fully from the feminism movement if we do not also modernise the way we look at masculinity. The hyper masculine ideal that we as a society are living up to is causing bullying, domestic and street violence and even international war. But above all it is silently causing a suicide epidemic among boys and men who feel isolated in their burdening expectations of a false masculinity.
With the progress that has been made to traditional femininity it is time we also gave and update to what masculinity means; what true, beautiful masculinity means. Instead of being valued for dominance and ridiculed for sensitivity, men could be valued for strength; strength without aggression. Nothing shouts true masculine strength to me than a man holding a baby. He is displaying protection and the strength to give love. Or standing up for the person being bullied shows immense courage, instead of being the bully himself. What about a man listening to his male friend open up to him about internal anxiety, mental illness or depression when there is no one else to listen. Thats shows great loyalty, compassion and strength to be accepting. Above all, what about a man opening himself up and letting himself be vulnerable and expressing his inner weaknesses. This shows immense courage to be so exposed. Men should be strong in a way that works with each other to help each other. Lets change how we view and value masculinity for the women who suffer from hyper-masculinity, and for the men who are not valued for what really counts.
